TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Certainly, guaranteed, let's have An additional position where by American Guys can have on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though preceding negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: offer everyone a set about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It can Trump Tower Damascus be that he should really quit using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the job, replied, "You already know, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from House, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents plus the chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the setting up's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is really not just unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Perplexing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever friends may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "wherever's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is previously attracting focus from Worldwide investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will even include:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space According to the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have switch-down provider."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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